Those Words given by My Father That Rescued Me during my time as a New Parent

"I think I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

However the reality quickly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her chief support while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on every night time, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his parent, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You are not in a healthy space. You must get some help. In what way can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although people is now better used to addressing the strain on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a wider inability to talk among men, who still absorb harmful perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets hit and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a show of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the space to ask for a break - spending a short trip abroad, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He came to see he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states as well as the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad decisions" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he notes. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - when you are swamped, confide in a family member, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that made you feel like yourself before the baby arrived. This might be going for a run, socialising or gaming.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mental state is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the best way you can support your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead give the stability and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their pain, altered how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I think my job is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding as much as you are on this path."