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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.